Thursday, January 28, 2021

UP AND DOWN LIKE A YO YO

 There is no reason for this, but I am battling with I suppose, mild depression?

Most days I wake up and it's a real struggle to get out of bed. 

I just want to stay there, there is no impetus to get up and do things.

My desire to sew or paint or craft in any way is gone.

I don't want to DO anything.

I am forcing myself to get up and do stuff.

Once I'm actually out of bed, I do feel a bit better thankfully.

I can list multiple reasons for me feeling so down of course (but won't, too private).  

Most are 'situational', and all will resolve over time.

I just have to hang in there until those situations resolve I suppose.

It doesn't make it any easier though.  I just wish I could click my fingers and have the next 6-12 months over with.

I am very good at putting a fake smile on my face, posting as if nothing is 'wrong' and not talking about things on here eh?


I decided it was time to just say... I'm struggling.  Posting anything on the blog some days is incredibly difficult, because I have nothing to post about!  That in itself is depressing.

I want to be upbeat, interesting and enjoy my blog... but some days it's near impossible.

Like today. 

I'm going out this morning to get some paint for me rocks. Apart from that, the only other thing on my agenda is opening the shop at midday.


In other news:

We now have three community cases of Covid in NZ.  Looks like there's been a breach of some sort in one of the Quarantine Hotels, all three came out of Quarantine infected, after testing NEGATIVE earlier on.
NOT good news.

Today is looking much better weather wise.  It's really overcast, and a bit cooler right now.  That could all change in the next few hours of course.  I hope not, it was SO HOT in my garage on Tuesday! 
If it is very hot later, Bex has promised to come over and give me a half hour break so I can cool off in the pool.

Right, off to play with rocks.  😃😆😅

So, I'm scrolling through Facebook and this song came up pretty quickly.  Perfect for my mood today!


ABOVE:  A lovely song!  (Just ignore the last bit where they are just promoting their album).  I do love these two though, I've listened to a lot of their music.

ABOVE:  Dinner tonight will be left over Pizza, and a side salad. I will bother to put it on a plate, don't worry!  

ABOVE:  Rocks drying in between painting stages.
The sun has come out.
But we have quite a breeze today, so it might not get so damn hot.

ABOVE:  Who knew painting silly rocks could be ... entertaining?

Bex and the boys are here having a swim.  I changed my mind about having a swim today (well, at least right now).  Just not in the mood.

Bex talked me into getting some of my cot panels out of the cupboard and seeing if any of them inspired me to do some sewing.
I must say, it was neat seeing some of them, I'd forgotten how many I had, and how many I really do love.

There is a good chance I will do some soon.  Thanks Bex.  Love you lots.

10.40 pm:  Dinner was lovely, nothing wrong with left overs.
I watched some UK programme on house renovations, very interesting.
Stew watched police show programmes in the lounge... not my cuppa tea.
Now?
Time for bed, and hopefully a sleep in for both of us in the morning.

37 comments:

  1. Leeann7:28 AM

    Maybe have a break from posting, or cut down to a couple of times a week? You'll be missed but your mental health comes first.

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  2. Anonymous7:29 AM

    I think its all reaction to all that has happened. I know too well the mixed feelings of being there and caring for a mother while she was ill, preparing the funeral let alone all while overseas and having gone through the quarantine procedures. Too much time to think in those 2 weeks alone. Time now to be kind (so sick of that saying but pertinent here) to yourself.Imagine if a friend of yours went through the same thing - you would be there helping, giving her a hug, reassuring her she did a fabulous job in difficult circumstances so now it is time to do the same to yourself. Losing your mum and also a family estrangement is hard enough in the best of times not withstanding this covid crap. Draw those that are close to you closer and know that (from my experience anyway) it does get better. Hugs
    KarenAK

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  3. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. You have been to hell and back these last few months and no wonder you are low and depressed. Completely understandable - expected even. With the support of your loving and caring family you will get through this. I am positive of that.
    Your blog is fantastic and I hate the thought of you putting pressure on yourself to post on the daily? I know you will do what is right for you until your sparkle returns.
    Sending hugs from down here to you up there.
    p.s.
    I saw this yesterday(see below) and immediately thought of you and just popped in to share :)
    https://www.stuff.co.nz/nelson-mail/300213116/wanted-new-home-for-monster-fully-completed-42000piece-puzzle

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  4. p.s. That 'ONWARD' is the best yet! xxx

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  5. Take care of yourself first Chris - you are the most important thing here.... Hugs xx

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  6. I get how you are feeling Chris, you know what my life has been like over the last few years and now I have a health issue that may or may not be life threatening so ... yep...I get it. Good on you for letting us know how you are - its hiding it that does the most damage. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...and you took that step by telling us :-) Big hugs and much love xx

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  7. It is understandable to have depression after everything. ((big hugs))

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  8. Oh Chris, sending you a big hug.

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  9. Anonymous9:46 AM

    Its Grief Chris. Its 12 months this week since we lost a family member and I'm still struggling to get things done.

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  10. just Hang in there Chris and go with the flow you have been through a lot in the last few months and like you say things will resolve in time so dont me too hard on youself.

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  11. Anonymous10:16 AM

    Chris - I am sorry you are feeling so down. I know how it feels, it is not pleasant, and it becomes a chore to act happy all of the time. But we've all been there, or we are currently there, so please remember you have many who care for you. In real life there and here, in cyberland. ;-)

    You have kept yourself so busy since your return from your mothers. It is okay to slow down and do for Chris & Stew for a while. Some things you can fix, some you can't. May peace soon be back with you.

    XO, Ky Girl

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  12. It is grief and on top of that, there is a whole lotta other stuff going on each of which is very upsetting & stressful so it is no bloody wonder you feel the way you do. Maybe go & see a grief counsellor who might be able to assist with some tools to help you cope & deal with the day to day stuff. Don't ignore it because I would hate to see you feel worse.

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  13. Hugs to you Chris. It's a big step to share your feelings publicly so good on you. Be kind to yourself and do not be afraid to seek some assistance from your GP.

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  14. Anonymous11:37 AM

    I'm assuming you arranged the animals on the pizza before you had dinner last night otherwise you didn't eat much between you - or perhaps you did get more than one pizza but then decided you only need one now. Try and do only the things you enjoy even if that is just doing nothing - time will sort out issues with the family, after all your children are adults now and have to live their own lives, you can't do it for them. BTW, the woman in Northland has recovered now and so far there don't seem to be any more positive cases from contact with her. Take care, Audrey

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    Replies
    1. We bought two pizzas last night... obviously could not eat them all. Hence left overs today. The animals only came out to play today... lol.

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  15. Feeling lost and depressed is a natural reaction to trauma. I know what it is like to go through grief and have to face bad situations at the same time (and it is NOT nice). Be kind to yourself Chris, and just go with how you are feeling. Do what you want to do, as you want to do it. You don't have to be answerable to anyone (except maybe Stew!). Hugz, Mxx

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  16. Take care of yourself and sending you lots of hugs. And please don’t feel that you always need to be upbeat. This is your little place to be you. You have been through so much in the last year and it always takes time to process the grief with loss (as well as everything else going on in your life). Have you seen the analogy of the box and the ball with grief? If not, it is worth looking up as I think it is really help with understanding the ebb and flow of the feelings that we go through.

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  17. It's okay to feel down AND talk about it. You are not alone. I think it helps us all to talk about it and not hide it. It is more common than you think.
    I hope New Zealand locks down on this Covid thing. I just remember Trump saying we have 15 cases going down to zero. Well 4000 deaths a day is not zero.
    I love your blog, because it is real. It is every day. Something happens every day - nothing is "blog worthy" because everything is blog worthy. Don't feel the need to be "cheerful" if you aren't. It's okay. We all change from day to day.

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  18. Hugs Chris, thinking of you and wishing you days filled with wonderful happenings and warm hugs x

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  19. I wanted to mention, your last child has moved out, after many many years of having all kinds of combinations of kids living with you.

    THAT is a major major adjustment on its own.

    I know you were ready for the move, but kids can sort of be an anchor in our days. Many women can feel lost when they lose the kid routine, even if the routine was not their favorite (cooking cleaning, transportation)

    Plus you have grief. You have the world. You have assorted other issues.

    I would encourage you to continue to write. It does not have to be long, but it gives you structure and socialization, and I think that is important.

    I would encourage you to also get back to daily walking maybe first thing before it is hot and to give you structure to your day. You have the pool to cool off when you get home.

    And whether it is on Facebook marketplace or some other system, have you considered listing items from your shop for sale? Pick up would be at your shop. It would give you something to do and promote your shop. (Maybe you have already tried this.)

    Vickie

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  20. Those rocks are very cool 💙. You're allowed to feel blah and it's great you can recognise it and know it'll pass.... you might need a bit of help but that's for you to decide 😗

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  21. Hugs my friend love the painted stones

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  22. The rocks are fun - good way to express some feelings...

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  23. Sorry you're feeling down Chris. It's not affecting your creativity, those rocks are seriously cute! You should add them to your stock to sell for paperweights 😊

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  24. Anonymous6:32 PM

    No reason to feel depressed? What are ya on about? You have every reason to be depressed! You have lost your much loved and adored Mum, then your Uncle plus family shit with a certain family member. Who wouldn't be depressed. Also just a gentle reminder, you don't need a reason to be depressed. You can feel and be depressed for no reason at all.

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  25. Your fabrics are amazing ,it was fun going through them with you xx love you to mummsy 💚💚

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  26. Love love those stones. Wish I could wander round your shop.
    You need time to heal. Plan stuff for you and Stew to enjoy together!!!!

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  27. Thinking of you and sending hugs Chris xxx

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  28. That song is lovely. I don’t have any advise but just want you to know that I can relate so much to how you are feeling. I have been through plenty of stages like that. It will get better but when you’re in the midst of it, it just sucks. Bex sounds like a great person to have in your corner and I’m glad she is looking out for you. Just take one day, hour, minute or second at a time. Wish I could just make those down feelings go away for you. They are the worst xxxx

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  29. Big hugs to you my friend being strong all the time for others and now your turn be strong be kind you are loved in every sense of the word.
    Blondie

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  30. Anonymous11:49 PM

    You have had a very difficult time of it - your dear mum of course, your uncle, obviously family issues, your final bonus child leaving home - all topped off by the stress of lockdowns and COVID and your quarantine.

    It makes perfect sense that you feel a bit overwhelmed by everything...it’s a lot to process and deal with. Be kind to yourself, don’t expect to much, take each day as it comes. Make sure you take the time and space you need. Enjoy the little things if you can. Everything else can wait.
    Emily

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  31. Anonymous11:55 PM

    I love those painted rocks Chris. There was a trend here locally to paint rocks and leave them in random spots, not necessarily local places either but the were identified by our town and postcode. The idea was to post in the fb group that you had found a rock then re hide it

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. There were people doing just that in Cambridge a few years ago. It was fun, we painted rocks and put them in weird places on our walks.

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  32. Anonymous11:56 PM

    Sorry forgot to sign
    Dee

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  33. Hope you feel a little more chipper soon. Love the rocks. Take care.

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  34. Sending a big hug to you Chris! Those rocks are a joy to see. I love the colors and the faces you painted on them. Hey, They Rock! ha!

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