Thursday, April 01, 2021

I'M A FOOL

 Because of the constant stress I've been under since before Mum died, I've been 'emotional eating' like CRAZY!

You have NO IDEA just how bad it is.

I wake up, and I start eating like straight away, which isn't my normal at all.

And it's NOT good food.

Some days I have marshmallows for Breakfast.

Biscuits for lunch, lollies for afternoon tea!!!!

Yep, it's been that bad, particularly the past few weeks.

And of course I feel sick as a dog.  Like want to throw up sick.

And massively lethargic.  And piddling LIKE CRAZY! And hugely thirsty.


ALL DOWN TO WHAT I'M EATING, AND FUCK.... BEING A DIABETIC.  Lethargy, thirst and piddling excessively is all signs my body is struggling with the excess of sugar.  I KNOW.

I'm like, what am I thinking?  What am I doing to myself?  

I KNOW of course.  I know.  

NO LECTURES, or I will hunt you down and throttle you!

I'm just telling you how I'm NOT coping.  

How I'm self sabotaging.

And I don't know how to stop.

I think the only thing that's going to reign this horrendous behaviour in, is to get on top of the stress.

How to do that?  Fucked if I know.  

Well... I do know.  TIME.  

TIME is going to pass and most of the things that are IN OUR FACE, STRESSING US OUT will be done and dusted.

No matter the outcome, it will be over.

I just have to hang in there and try to STOP emotionally eating.  

Easier said than done.  But by talking about it, maybe I can overcome it?

AND here's the WEIRDEST thing about all this over eating.

I have not gained a single kilo!  It's mental.  I am eating so much!  No weight gain.

Not in all the months I've been pigging out!

What's with THAT?  My scales are not broken.  They are brand new!  It constantly amazes me.

One day those buggers are gunna go.... JUST JOKING... You have gained 10 kilos!

It's April Fools Day.  Maybe they will laugh at me today?

As for today.  I'm going into town this morning.  Stew told me about a Cafe in town called Volare, which has gorgeous food.

As I'm meeting up with a friend at lunchtime, I am going to get some yummies (yeah 😕😖) for our lunch. 

Maybe I'll start being more sensible AFTER lunch. 


ABOVE:  The last of my new Tupperware arrived, delivered to me door yesterday afternoon.

I got the Large Heat N Eat set for half price, just a bit lucky!

Right, time to get moving, start me day.

I'll leave you with this, cos it made me laugh, so might make you smile too:



Cos like, who hasn't had a battle with the damn drawer cos the potato masher is stuck?  


OK, so some good advice there girls.

Talking to a Professional?  Been there done that, didn't work last time.  Won't do it again.

When you are already rather depressed, scare mongering doesn't actually help, cos some days I really, really don't care about myself at all.

There are several situations ongoing right now.  I'm trying to focus on ONE at a time, so while I'd like to forget about it, that's impossible.  We are being dragged through a messy court case right now, and the outcome is totally up in the air.  It has stressed our entire family out.  I can't just walk away and forget about it.

Being dragged through court by a family member just makes it even more stressful.  NO NAMES HAVE EVER BEEN MENTIONED BY THE WAY.

Food in the house.  Well as we have visiting grandchildren ALL THE TIME, we have food in the house to cater to them.   And lollies.  And hot cross buns... and... and..

Talk to Stew?  He is well aware of how stressed I am.  He knows I stress over EVERYTHING.  There is nothing he can do.  We are in this together, that's what I hang on to. 


So... I'm waiting to meet up with my friend.  I've got 2 donuts. I won't have one.

ABOVE: Two miracles today. I parallel parked! On a hill! 

2.20 pm:  I've been home about an hour.

I ended up giving the donuts to my friend, then having lunch with Stew!

We went to a little Vietnamese Cafe just down from Stew's work place.  Called Saigon Noon.

ABOVE:  We each had a Prawn Rice Paper roll... they are AMAZING!   So fresh, like eating BLISS.

We also had two tiny spring rolls each.

It was easily the nicest lunch in a while... by nicest I mean:  HEALTHY.

After lunch I came home to find Lacy on the doorstep, waiting to eat left over roast pork!

Which she duly did, and took some home for her flatmate.  😂😅

She had no sooner left and I got a parcel arrive on the doorstep.

Now.  I've been waiting for a parcel from my blog friend Nicole W, who lives in America.

She is the gorgeous, kind and generous girl who gifted me the tickets to the Pentatonix concert!

Anyway, some months back she said she was going to send me a 'LITTLE' gift in the post.

Forward a few months, and I thought she must have forgotten, or the gift was lost in the mail.


NOPE.  It arrived today. 

ABOVE:  A rather LARGE BOX, a bit battered and bruised.  Coco loved sniffing it.


ABOVE:  'LITTLE GIFT' NICOLE???  WOW, just wow.

It's like Christmas all over again... and the Christmas Card made it seem that way too!  Just a bit funny.  


ABOVE: Here we have the cutest ever little Elfin Girl.  She's gunna fit in so well with all my other Christmas Family, must give her a name!  I know, Nicole seems fitting!



ABOVE: Next in the box... a travel mug for Diet Coke, and two different lids!  Awesome!!!


ABOVE:  Next:  A gorgeous photo holder!  It's made of wood, stone and wire.  I love it.


ABOVE: THIS one made me cry a little!  A super darling BRITTO Angel.  Awwww.


ABOVE:  Next!  A swatch of fabric, girls riding!  Too damn cute.


ABOVE:  LOVE IT!  I can't wait to stick me nose in it and see what it's all about, apart from Diet Coke of course. lol


ABOVE:  THIS lot blew me away!  SIX pieces of nautical themed fabrics!!!  OMG, Nicole you are amazing.  And ya know me far too well.  😂😅😆


ABOVE:  Look at that!  So exciting, I can't wait to check the patterns out.


ABOVE: And this book!  By now I was starting to sniff quite a bit.  I just couldn't believe someone who has never met me could be so kind and generous.
And THOUGHTFUL.  All these things, she's taken some considerable time and effort to gather them, knowing my likes and loves.


On a day when I was feeling rather unhappy, this has certainly perked me up!

I can never thank you enough Nicole.  You are a very, very special person. 


It goes without saying, but I will, that I love and appreciate EVERYONE who reads my blog and expresses care and concern for me and my family.

I promise to do my best to do better, and look after myself.

I am NOW going to have a freakin' NANA NAP!

8.30 pm:   Ha ha ha!  Like I could have a nap with the girls in the room!
Every single noise or movement outside and they would jump up and bark the house down!  So, yeah, no nap.

Stew arrived home and we had left over Cottage Pie for dinner.  It was just as nice as last night.

We then had a thunder and lightening storm.  We sat in the sunroom with all the lights off in the house and enjoyed the show.  So much lightening!  It was awesome.
Now it's passed through and it's back to watching TV (him), and I'm listening to music on You Tube.  

I found a new song that I just love, I will share it tomorrow.


53 comments:

  1. Anonymous7:31 AM

    My sister was the same. Constantly eating crap she wasn't meant to being a diabetic. She thought it was amazing that she wasn't gaining weight from all the over eating. Turns out it was a huge warning sign that she wasn't gaining weight while over eating and being diabetic. She went into a diabetic coma and died 3 12 days later and she was only 54. Be very careful Chris. Perhaps looking at talking to a professional about your binge eating might help?

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  2. Please take care of yourself, go and see your Doctor.

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  3. No lectures from me. I have been doing the same. Just try to meet up with the FBG and do some walks. Being aware of the naughty eating behavior is a great start. I think if you try to do one tiny good behavior (like walks) it just might trigger another tiny good behavior.

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  4. For me, my thing was drinking wine. I loved a wine or two -- I never got drunk but did drink. Then when I got pancreatitis which apparently could have killed me (and still could), I was told I had to stop drinking and that scared the hell out of me and I've not touched a drop since. That was nearly 9 months ago.

    Perhaps you need to realise that diabetes could kill you? It is a silent killer and that is why it is so very dangerous. Please understand the internal damage that is happening to you. Please realise the hurt and devastation that those around you will feel if you get kidney failure, limb amputation or die. I've lived this with my grandmother so I know about what I'm saying. I know you didn't want a lecture but this is written out of genuine concern Chris.

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  5. It sounds like you just want it done, not stressing too much over the out come itself, and that it is not your doing and not in your control, so can you just mentally step out of the process and pretend like it is done? Not talk about it, not fret, just move on now? Like if it were done yesterday, what would today actually be like for you? Take yourself out of the limbo. Take your life back. (I hate to see you like this for a year, that is a long time, and the year after that, it could be something else. . .)

    And if you can’t clean up your own eating, would it help to clean up stew’s and then just eat what you feed him? Because I think you could do that.

    I am sorry you are going thru this. It sounds pretty dreadful.

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  6. I think you need to get some professional help and advice. You owe it to yourself and family. No shame in asking for some support. Helen in France ( now back in lockdown for 4 weeks)

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  7. Anonymous9:05 AM

    I feel that the only way to not be eating all the wrong foods would be not to have them in the house. How does Stew cope with his stress? Would it help to write your thoughts down and share them with Stew at night? Audrey

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  8. One more comment (that is not a lecture). The reason you are not putting on weight is the exact same reason that some diabetics have unexplained weight loss. Insufficient insulin prevents the body from getting glucose from the blood into the body’s cells to use as energy. When this occurs, the body starts burning fat and muscle for energy, causing a reduction in overall body weight or in your case no weight gain. This is dangerous and you need to understand that it is your body sending out warning signals. Please listen to those warnings because there are many people who love you and want you to be around for a long time! :)

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  9. Anonymous9:35 AM

    Every grandparent wants to treat (or spoil, lol) their grandchildren but perhaps you could give the treats to the parents to take home and explain to the children that Grandma isn't allowed to eat anything sweet but wants them to still have the treats. I realise everything you are going through is causing massive stress but you aren't changing the situation by risking your health and if most of your family is feeling the same stress you aren't helping them by causing even more stress worrying about you. Every one on here is thinking of you and doesn't feel it is lecturing by expressing their concern, Audrey

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  10. No lectures from me either but just want to say take care. I’ve just gone through a huge health scare and have a big op ahead. Makes you realise how important health is.

    Hope your stress eases soon. x

    Anne - Palmy

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  11. Yeah, us armchair counsellors can give you all the advice in the world, but really, it's up to you how you handle it. It's easy to say if you can't change it, don't worry about it. But that doesn't help. I know you're against talking to a counsellor (a real one, not us ;) ) but they might be able to give you some tips on how to control those reactive behaviours. They might suggest meditation, or time to yourself. or other distractive tricks like rubbing your finger and thumb on the opposite hand. Little things like that. Just saying. Because clearly you can't keep going the way you are. I do think you need to address it now before it spirals out of control. But that's my armchair opinion. You're welcome to look at it or bin it, but remember it's sent with love x

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  12. I think you have made a good start by talking about it. I hope you can find a way to get control of things that works for you.

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  13. Considering I just went to the supermarket & got chocolate & ice cream, I am not in a position to give sensible advise. Suffice to say you bloody know what you should and should not be eating and having it in the house for the Grandkids is just an excuse. They are there to spend time with you guys, not to eat junk food. If you don't have it in the house it is harder to eat it. The fact that you have not put on weight whilst eating so badly is a concerning sign that your diabetes is getting worse. I am genuinely worried for you because you are my friend and I don't like seeing you unhappy, stressed or ill.

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  14. Anonymous10:42 AM

    Hi. I had a bit of a lecture from my Dr about the dangers of diabetes as my test came back borderline for pre diabetes even though only a year ago it was fine...she talked about the organ inflammation etc etc...so I have been trying to be careful with food choices and lose weight...very hard..

    This is hard for you but maybe just let go of at least one of the situations ? nobody can be in control of everything as much as they care about the situation..especially if your health is being affected.

    Having said that I worry about everything too..go and curl your hair and enjoy lunch and then start your health plan.

    take care

    Peta

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  15. I wonder whether you are actually reaching out and wanting help by putting into words on your blog what is going on in your life ðŸĪ·‍♀️ You can’t change what is happening/will happen with the court case but you do have control of your life and health. It would be a tragedy for you and your family for you to get through the court case putting that drama behind you and you find yourself so unhealthy that you will not be able to be there for your family or Stew. It’s obvious your family and Stew are fully supportive of you and everything you do, maybe it would be nice to show them just how much you do love and appreciate them by living a healthy diabetic life and put your health as number 1 priority so you’ll have the chance to spend as much time with them as possible. I hope you don’t see my comment as a lecture, it’s not intended to be. You don’t want professional help, that’s up to you but by waiting for your stress to pass with the effuxion of time, you are probably doing irreparable damage to your body.

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  16. Just want to say I am so sorry you are going through this shit right now. You are strong and you are tough, look what you've already been through? You have so many of us who care about you.

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  17. Get up every morning and go for a walk just aim for 5 minutes, if you do more great but 5 minutes is your aim. I have been through severe depression before and I can’t emphasise how much it helps. That 5 mins will give you thinking time and then you let it go. It will improve your mood for the rest of the day and will make you care about yourself. At the moment you just don’t care which makes it so hard to make good choices. I’m so sorry you have all this stress and feeling down. It is the worst feeling in the world :(

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    1. Anonymous11:15 AM

      That sounds like a good idea and as you like walking in the rain, and we have a lot of that, you will be able to walk most days. Really good advice on here and up to you whether you do anything about your situation or not. Audrey

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  18. Anonymous11:15 AM

    Chris I live on the other side of the world and have never even met you but right now after reading everyone’s comments about not taking care of your diabetes I am genuinely scared for you, so I can’t even even imagine how concerned your loved ones must feel. Please please please if it’s the only thing you can do for yourself right now, change your eating habits. You are clearly a very important part of a lot of peoples lives and they need you. Michelle from Oz

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    1. Anonymous11:33 AM

      Michelle, how are you the other side of the world from New Zealand if you live in Oz (Australia)? Audrey

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    2. 😂ðŸĪĢ😂 You are so right. I was feeling passionate about Chris taking care of herself and I got carried away !!!

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    3. Michelle, it is the other side of the world if you go the long way around, right ;) xx

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    4. ðŸĪĢ😅ðŸĪŠ it is indeed!

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    5. Thankyou Colleen and Chris 😘😘

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  19. I know the feeling. Last year (maybe the last couple of years!) I went through a very bad patch. Drank oceans of wine, swallowed buckets of crap food that I didn't even really enjoy. It was as if I was trying to numb the pain and fill a hole in my soul. With all the stuff going on in your life it's not surprising. You are aware of what you are doing and that is a start. Be gentle with yourself. Get the hideous court case done and dusted and see how you feel then. You know we all have your back.

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  20. Mate, if it were easy we would all be in the healthy weight range for our height. It's not easy!

    Perhaps don't even think about weight-loss. Just think about healthy habits like no lollies for breakfast. Sugar is addictive, trust me I am an addict and would eat lollies, chocolate, cake and ice-cream 3 meals a day if I could get away with it.

    I know how much you love your family and you want to be around for many more years yet so you can't give up on yourself and your eating habits.

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  21. Ok let’s just add one thing you can control here. Stop eating at 8pm and don’t start eating until 12 the next day. Don’t worry about what you’re eating for now, simply doing the 16:8 intermittent fasting will help. You may have to drink some water in that time frame but try this for a few weeks and then look further into it when you’re ready. Once you feel like you have control over yourself it will make other areas of your life feel in control despite the circumstances

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  22. Meditation is great, so is reading scriptures and other good books. I started the New Testament last night, and am halfway through The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Just a chapter a day in each, one in the morning and the other at bedtime, really helps me stay calm. You can make better choices, it is possible. God lives and cares about us, and wants us to talk to him about our problems.
    Each of these loving, caring comments is like a warm blanket wrapping around you, keeping off the cold winds. Proverbs 3:5-6

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  23. Just wanted to add one more thing, you have been through a lot the last year, so much loss and then this court case. So please don’t beat yourself up for the emotional eating. Anyone would crack under that pressure. You’ve recognised that it’s gone on for too long and is not helping so that’s a big start. Look at all these people that care and want to cheer you on. You’ve got this xx

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  24. Maybe just ONE donut? Otherwise your friend might have to eat TWO donuts, and that could be awkward....

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  25. Anonymous1:23 PM

    I'm the same Chris though I do not have a multitude of stresses to put it down too. My health is making me a recluse and I am lonely. But I have got back into sewing and am addicted to a challenging shirt quilt I'm making. Kj

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  26. Take care of yourself! Your billions of daily readers and I love you and care about you.
    Potato masher? Try getting a drawer in your toolbox stuck by a hammer!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah that would be a nightmare! Did ya get it out?

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  27. Anonymous2:42 PM

    The court case sounds extremely stressful. Hope it is all resolved soon. Surrey

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  28. Wow! What a great package!

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  29. Hey Chris I am sorry your having such q rough time. Hopefully things get better over time as situations evolve. I'm not going to add anything else but you know what is worse than the potato masher- bloody tongs!

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  30. Anonymous3:22 PM

    So happy it arrived safely and that it brightened up your day! Sending good thoughts as well and hoping the stress resolves a bit. Maybe someday your travels with Stu can bring you to Southern California for a visit!
    Cheers! ~Nicole in CA

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    Replies
    1. If we ever can travel to California, you are TOP of the list my dear friend.

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  31. Love the potato masher one - happens to me with various annoying objects.

    That box of goodies is amazing, what a wonderful & thoughtful gift and just the ticket to making you happy today :-).

    We make rice paper rolls like that at home quite often. When the kids were younger they loved it, you get all the filling options together with a large bowl of warm water, soak the rice paper then fill & roll. Everyone gets what they like, it is fun to do & really healthy.

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  32. Lol when on face book i thought the photo holder said alarm clock..i guess its the maker signature to funny and yes most definitely Nicole for wee doll name

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  33. Anonymous5:40 PM

    I love all you pressies. A few years ago stress was unimaginable, so I drank. I also ate whatever I needed and lost a lot of weight. Today everything is going ok, I no longer have anything to do with family that I felt like were eating me alive and only see who wants to see us. If your Mums will is the reason for stress my advice is to cut everyone off who are being a ****, you can’t worry about what you don’t know.

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  34. Nicole is a wonderful person. Thank you for sending a big box of happiness to our dear Chris.

    Chris, what is your car? I can't remember what you bought.

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    Replies
    1. My little blue beauty is a Nissan Juke. I love her.

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  35. I am sending you a big hug from Wales,UK. You are a strong person and will get through this even though you are so down at the moment.Baby steps each day and you will get there. One day this will all be behind you. Remember your mum would be so proud of you. XXX Yvonne

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  36. As Dory say "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" hardtimes pass in time, hopefully soon enough you will be able to look back and see the amazing strength you have had to get through it. HAPPY EASTER team Harvey. I hope it's a great one surrounded by love and happiness. X

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  37. Have you considered having a gastro bypass (stomach stapling) my friend has just had it done for health reasons - was covered by her medical insurance. Her blood pressure and insulin where back to normal and no meds needed within a couple of weeks.
    Just something to consider.

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  38. Chris, you are very much loved. Your family obviously adore you and you reciprocate that love, ten fold.
    Oh Nicole, what a beautiful thing to do for Chris. The gifts were simply gorgeous. X

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  39. My sister has just had the hugest scare with diabetes to her credit she has lost 32kgs in 6 months IT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY HARD she is 56 Maori pacific island descent shorter than me and in a high stress management office job.
    She walks every morning 15 mins lunchtime with work colleagues 15 mins and at night after work with partner 15 mins building up to 25-30 mins each walk! Started at 5 mins each walk....
    She struggles every minute second guesses herself and hated it at first but has stuck at it. Hospital nutritionist involved a lot and it has changed her outlook completely.
    Try everything again therapy, counselling hypnotherapy surgery reach out to anything or everything.
    Talking is the first steps
    Blondie

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  40. That rice paper roll looks sensational! What a lovely thoughtful gift from Nicole, you have people all over the world thinking of you, Chris

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  41. Hang in there girl, you will make it.
    What a lovely gift.

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  42. Take care of yourself. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

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  43. Chris, you've got loads of friends here on your blog. Just reading all the comments.
    It's damned hard and you've got a lot on your plate. I can understand the emotional eating 100percent.
    At least you admit it, on a blog too. That's damned brave. Do what you can, one step at a time.
    You're a great lady. Hugs from afar

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