Thursday, July 08, 2010

YOU ARE FAT AND UGLY!

When someone who is supposed to love you says that to you over and over again... it really 'f*#ks' you up.. it does not HELP. It hurts. It hurts OVER and OVER again.

I have not been able to get those words out of my head... they have swirled around in there for over 15 years now!
When I can... food will not be able to rule my head... and my life.

I have to decide that I am OVER his words.
I have to decide that I am not FAT and UGLY.
I have to do this for me, for no one else.

I am going for a walk today. So are the kids and dogs. We are going to walk every day.. even if it rains.

Today is a new day. Today I am going to take control again.
I have been floundering for the past few weeks.
Letting small things ALLOW me to emotionally eat crap again.
NO MORE.

I am going to be strong... and one day... feel good about my self, by body, my fitness AGAIN.

SO. THERE.

(this post is really for me... not you poor buggers out there)... but as this is my blog, and YOU choose to read it... you have to like it or lump it!

And YES, I have said all this before.. I know, I know... but for today.. it is how I am feeling. I want to change this pattern.

Can you help? YES you can.... just continue to be here... no matter how good or bad I do. OK?

*** I suppose I should say who it was.... who said not just those words, but many, many more.. in private, in public, in front of other people, who did not care who was around. Who told Stew HE should 'do somthing about his fat wife'... it went on and on... everytime we saw him he couldn't help himself! He even called me a ' huge heifer' right after I had given birth to my 6th baby, who was a 10 pound 4 ounce baby, yet I only gained 2 kilos through the entire pregnancy! It was my father.

My father drowned in 2000, and to this day I don't miss him. I loved him... but I don't miss him. And I am not sure I should be publishing this... but here goes.

*****************************************************

video


ABOVE: a little video of the Botanic Gardens this morning. We did indeed walk this morning, from 9am till 10 am! We walked to the Botanic Gardens, had a look at a part of the gardens we had not been in before, it was so lovely.

It did rain, and the sun came out too.. but most of the time is was cloudy and threatening to piss down on us.

On our way home again (which was ALL uphill I might add) we saw this little bugger!:


He lives only two minutes up the road from our home, and I had NEVER seen him before! He's gorgeous! And NOT so little for a Kune Kune pig!



ABOVE: a few photos taken at the Botanic Gardens.

It was a really lovely walk, one I thoroughly enjoyed, so did Teddy! We left wee Coco at home, it was too far for her to go. Griffin was good too.. until we headed for home again... he did not like the uphill trudge back! Too bad. We are doing it again tomorrow!

video

ABOVE: another wee video.. this time of that cute piggy!

Since this morning we have had lunch, watched some telly, I've done some cleaning, decided I ain't cooking tonight... and had a nap!

Oh and now I'm going to read some blogs!

BLOGGER is being an arse again and not publishing some of the comments left today. Hopefully they will turn up eventually!

MY LEGS HURT... wonder why? Hmmmm... probably that walk eh? Shows I need to walk MORE.

End of Day: I'm having a carb-less kebab for dinner.. Stew is going to go out to the mall and get us them. Yum. thanks for all the comments today... I am so thankful to have so many kind and caring friends out there in blogland. {{{HUGS}}} and nite nite.

43 comments:

  1. Always here, no matter how hard it is Chris.....hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good on you, I am now going to counselling to sort my life out and its funny how things with my kids have bought back memories of my childhood where I was told over and over again that I was fat, useless, lazy, never amount to anything and we should think ourselves lucky that the stepfather took on my mother with 2 children....I have now come to realise that I dont even know what happiness is, to me its the new clothes, online shopping only material things that give me short term happiness...so now I have to work on ME and what makes ME happy....and you will succeed because you are you and like me we can change :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good on you. Try writing a letter to that person, detailing all of how it made you feel. Then destroy it. Try to forgive him for doing it. Not for him but to enable you to be able to let go. It worked for me.
    Walking is a great idea.
    Have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm here too! A post like that can bring about a more positive frame of mind! Good luck and hugs:-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous9:01 AM

    Thats the way Go for gold Bugger the others.
    Mary H

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous9:07 AM

    You know, this post WAS for me as well... funnily enough I have decided enough is enough too - with MORE than just the weight thing - with life in general. Not putting up with the harsh comments and things and feeling a bit more empowered by your words. Am going to start using the negative and turning it into a positive.

    That makes me sound pretty tough and meanwhile I've been having a bit of a cry here and there but reading your post really hit it home... yep. We can do this.

    Thanks for that!! Another sign that I am on track. Have had a lot of weird happenings that are pointing me in the right direction. Funny how life throws these things to ya.

    Be strong! Am not taking any more shit (hee hee - easier to write down than put into practice!)

    Kate
    (kittie444@hotmail.com)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Always here for you, Chris, even if I don't comment every day.

    It's hard when people say hurtful things and they stick with us for ever. Funny how we don't remember the good things!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Chris - I am reading a book by Dr Phil at the moment and while I don't agree with everything, it talks a lot about sorting out the inner voice and taking your control back. It teaches you what to do when that voice starts saying its awful things to you and how to control it. Pretty soon after lots of practice you stop it automatically and it feels amazing! That person that said those things to you was wrong. I read your blog everyday and you are such an amazing woman. You are kind, funny and you love your kids and do everything for them. Push those comments out of your head because you are worth so much more!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am totally here for you girl! Really I am!
    You can do it, I know you can..you are too fiesty to just throw in the towel! And it's simply because I care about your health...not how you look hon... :-)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey Chris... I'm here for you too, good or bad, easy or hard! One of these days you are going to be able to take those "old tapes" out of your head and get rid of them for good! Just get up each and every day and do something good for yourself! You do deserve it!

    XOXO,

    Cyndi

    ReplyDelete
  11. Enjoy walking with the family.

    You know that no-one who really loves you would use those words. But I know how much they hurt and get stuck in your head.

    No-one who knows you could call you those things.

    When people say rubbish like that they are the ones with a BIG problem. this kind of criticism usually reflects their own fears or self image or they are in such a bad place they want to hurt others. One of the ways to turn it around is feel sorry for the guy for being so crass, ignorant and full of pain that he has to hit out at others.

    I think 'he' was trying to make himself feel better by hurting you. Don't let him win. See him for the sad person he is.

    Say daily to yourself. I am a wonderful person and I look really good. You can look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you know is true. You are blimmin amazing.

    Glad you shared this with us because it is another step toward defeating those ugly words.

    Love and hugs

    ReplyDelete
  12. You can do it, Chris!

    ReplyDelete
  13. awh girl your gorgeous the idiot had poor eyesight and bad judgement. Let's just let idiots rot and you just march your beautiful sassy self right on down the road!

    ReplyDelete
  14. WHAT?? Who said that?? That person has an icky, ugly brain and a mouth that needs to shut up.

    God bless you, Chris. You know I am here no matter what. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Good On you Chris!! Cheering for ya. XX

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am sorry that those ugly words were said to you. To hurt you and make you feel so bad. But, you know, they aren't true. Your a beautiful woman, with beautiful blue eyes, a super duper mom, and a very, very creative and funny gal. There was one of him, but you've got Blogland behind you 100% of the way. We KNOW your all the things I mentioned above and more!!
    Walking with your family is a great fun activity!! I know you'll be able to get back on track and soon the pounds will once again fall off. You CAN DO IT!! AND WE WILL BE HERE TO CHEER YOU ON!!! ...debbie

    ReplyDelete
  17. Star chart for Griffin for every day he walks and gets a star at the end of 10 stars a treat surprise whatever then at 20 etc and 30 etc if he makes it to 60/70 he will be into it. AND so will you YA know something I look at Kune Kune pigs they are my absolute favourites hairy wiry nuggety little buggers and SO DAMNED CUTE!!!As I said the other day WHAT people see on the outside IS NO WAY a TRUE reflection of the INNER PERSON who is an amazing person, arty crafty, talented, funny, sarcastic (in a very good way), loving,caring,a great mother grandmother wife friend and has impeccable taste even if NEW FRIENDS send gawdy pressies through the mail!!!! AFFIRMATIONS your new BEST WORD!!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. It must have been so difficult to hear that all the time from somebody who was meant to be protective of you.
    I was really touched by this post.
    The pig is gorgeous. I want one!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Words can cut deep, can't they? My father in law once took me out for dinner when my husband was out of town. I was wearing a stretchy pantsuit (I had a 4 month old and an 18 month old at the time) and he told me "Your outfit looks comfortable and it must be nice to find something that fits when you are as big a girl as you are..." I never forgot those words. I knew I was big, but he rubbed it in my face. He is gone now too...

    Stay strong with the walking, and get yourself a decent pedometer. It is actually fun to keep track of how much you walk each day. Mine tells me how many calories I burn, etc. I keep track of the miles I walk each day, and it's fun to see how fast it adds up. (It's a lot faster than seeing how slow the scale moves! I've been stuck for a couple of months now!)

    I'm proud of you Chris. Each day is a new day, and I'm happy that you are making the best of it!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sticks and stones..... I always tell myself that when someone is so awfully hurtful, they are really hurting themselves, and to make them feel better, they put others down. Just like bullys. Most bullies bully others because they are probably being be-littled at home by a parent, older sibling, relative, etc. Push his words right out of your head. Your walk looked beautiful and good for you taking the kids.

    ReplyDelete
  21. How dare he say stuff like that!!! Those sorts of comments stick in your head no matter how much you try to erase them, and they seem to reappear when you are feeling down.

    I am surprised Stew didn't deck him when he said that to him.

    Getting out in the fresh air I hope made you feel better, the Botanic Gardens are lovely (and free).

    Take care & try to focus on the good things people tell you like what a good mother & wife & friend you are.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I love the videos! Looks like a beautiful spot!

    I think I forgot to mention in my e-mail that I feel really bad for you to have suffered that mental abuse from your father. But it's good for you to open up about it take that anger and make it work for you...don't let his words control you anymore hon.

    cheers hon!

    ReplyDelete
  23. It sounds like you are on the way to getting yourself in a really good place, and that you are inspiring some otheres to come along with you. Kudos to you, Chris.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No child should ever hear such ugly words. Don't let his miserableness continue to hurt you. Let it make you stronger.

    I think you're the best!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Good for you getting out for a walk, and nearly week 1 of the holidays over :-)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Anonymous2:52 PM

    Sometimes its good to talk about things that are terrible and if people only had some idea how words hurt.
    With such beautiful gardens to walk in, there really isnt any excuse :O)

    Stay strong :O)

    Michelle x

    ReplyDelete
  27. He has gone Chris, he cant hurt you any more by saying that sort of crap again. You have lost the weight once you can do it again. My father has nicknames for the 3 girls in the family - mine was Porky.

    My first child was born 11 weeks prem weighing 740gms we had to take her to visit my father when she was released from hospital at 3.5 months.
    She was a week or 2 week old and FIL said don't worry the next one will be a boy. That hurt especially since it was still early days for her and we had no idea if there was going to be anymore. We had a boy almost 4 years later (who is the only one to carry on the family name), that he never met due to a family dispute. paternal grandparents have made no attempt to contact my children for the last 16 years.

    ReplyDelete
  28. You do it for you!!!!!!!

    One day at a time...you can take control again!!!

    Go Chris!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. i think i'm here there for i am

    all men are idiots,
    ( i should know, i'm one) i think a small chunk of flesh should be removed for every incentive comment.

    We don't understand that this is what happens emotionally when we say stupid things to ladies.

    not excusing the fucker, he needs to be put down.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi Chris,
    Just had a quick catch up on your blog as have had heaps on lately and was missing it. I really enjoy your photos and little videos. Have a great day.
    =)

    ReplyDelete
  31. always will be here

    You can pick your spouse and friends but not your family

    Trish

    ReplyDelete
  32. Anonymous10:14 PM

    Hi there, I never comment but I look at your blog a lot.

    I think you are awesome and I also think you are beautiful!

    oxox Steph

    ReplyDelete
  33. Always here for ya Chris....you can do it ,,,, {{hugs}}

    ReplyDelete
  34. Here is a new inner voice for you . . . CHris you are beautiful and gorgeous and funny and resourceful and smart and caring and generous and loving and dedicated. . . . .

    Repeat to self, whenever that OTHER voice starts getting to you!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Oh dear Chris, I feel for you. It's okay to stop hurting now. You must tell yourself that. You're a strong woman. That you want to get better is already half the battle won. One day you will heal, I promise. Don't give up. Live life. Wee cards to make, bags to sew, family to love.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Chris - you are doing so well with your weight and your life . . . despite that negative track playing in your head. I understand how that feels. Just remember that you are not what his words imply. You are a beautiful, useful, talented human being whose husband loves her.

    Good job on the walk!

    ReplyDelete
  37. good to see u have found your focus again Chris

    Have a great weekend with your family.

    I have just done my workout from my personal trainer and I just want to curl up and go to sleep but sadly I have to go out and got a linen party tonight so no rest for this chick.

    keep walking girl and you will fins so many different things u havent noticed before and the spring gardens will be blooming real soon

    ReplyDelete
  38. ((Hope your spirits have lifted.))

    ReplyDelete
  39. Like I have said before, I think you are a wonderful person!! Losing weight is so hard....I am trying and what has happened........I have gained 7 pounds in 5 weeks..Did I already tell you that? Anyway we can do this!!

    ReplyDelete
  40. My mother died over 18 years ago, but the words she use to spew at me about my weight still burn deep in my soul today. She use to call my legs ham hocks, repeatedly tell me how fat and ugly I was, would say, "I see the way men look at you, they are disgusted," and the cruelness continued. She wanted a daughter who was a "cheerleader," like her, one who was thin and pretty and on and on she would go. Things I can't even ever imagine saying to my daughters, one who is struggling with a weight problem.

    I loved my mother because she was my mother. She turned out to be an amazing grandmother, full of love and sweetness and for that I am grateful. However, the wounds, the verbal ones, will forever run deep. Yet, a long time ago, I decided not to let her words control me or how I feel about myself. I love myself, my husband, children and friends all love me. I am determined to loose the weight to get healthy and not die at a young age, like she did (53). I'm determined to take it day by day and not beat myself up with slip ups. I deserve that and so do you.

    I think you are amazing and I have enjoyed your blog from a far (attila) and I enjoyed your photos and video.

    Have a great weekend.
    xxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  41. michelle caldwell9:14 PM

    I so feel and understand your pain. You/we need to find a way to not let those who hurt us control our lives. We are giving them that power even after they have died. I cannot find my way again but intend to keep trying. I read your blog all the time and part of my not commenting is the bad place I am in and my own low self esteem. I do read and support you cris.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Good for you! I need to kick myself in the ass.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks if you leave a comment!