Sunday, February 07, 2010


I do not want to get out of bed.
I feel miserable...angry....pissed off.
Family shit.








Normal transmissions will resume later I expect.

It's 10.30. Stew is having a sleep in.
I am still in my nightie.

Don't worry about me, I always bounce back. I've spent the last hour or so composing a letter... a looooooooooong letter... that will one day be sent to 1, 2, 3 and 4. It's in draft form, cos I am bound to want to add to it!

The kids are in the pool, it's overcast but hot. No plans for the day. Stew is watching sports on the TV. Me? blah. Just feel sad.... sad that even though I have been the best mother I could be for the last 31 years, it is not good enough.

OH and something good I have done for myself. I turned my mobile OFF.

WOW! We went out to a BBQ at my Aunt and Uncle's just up the road (and it was lovely) and I come home to find masses of comments! THANK YOU so much... I feel a fraud sometimes because I start believing that maybe I wasn't a good mother? But I know I was/am! I know there is nothing I can do about the present situation... and that is what is driving me nuts. But turning my phone off was a good start... lol!

End of Day: and tomorrow will be a better one that today, that's for sure. I am going back to Patchwork class in Papakura and really looking forward to it. I am feeling calmer about stuff now.. accepting that I can do nothing is hard.. but necessary for my peace of mind. nite nite.


  1. I'm hearing you loud and clear..sent mine a text yesterday telling her she is an adult she can look after herself because I need to look after my self instead of feeling sick every day and not being able to function....the reply ok!

  2. I'm sorry to hear that Chris. I hope your day improves and the b*ggers leave you alone!

  3. Oh Chris, Sorry to hear that this not going so well. I get so frustrated when people take what I say the wrong way. Drives me insane.

  4. Ya know why are the kids PISSED OFF AT YOU you werent the ONE whom LEFT you STAYED and you raised ALL THOSE children with STEW clang their heads together and tell them to leave their shit AT THE DOOR!

  5. Leanne8:54 AM

    take care, i know exactly how you feel but don't let it get you down as its not worth it.

  6. Hello my "raving beauty". I can't stand for you to be hurt, so I will just poke my nose in. One of my tips is Just because people are blood - does not make them family. I learned several years back to "surround myself with people that make me feel good, so a few fell by the wayside and that was for the best. You only get to go round once this trip and you should get all the goodness out of it that you can.

    Another tip is to start counting your blessings. Seriously - start with what ever is the most beloved to you and just keep right on going. That good feeling deep down inside will just rise up higher and higher because love makes you feel that way. You know- like your hubby -which is the best DH in your whole world - You children because they have a way of keeping us young , Your talents - of which you have so many, Your friends - which you really have and carry in your heart.

    On days like this you should ALWAYS take the time to 'take care of you' You know- like your favorite bath with candles all around you and your favorite scents too. Make your favorite food or tell your hubby that you need to go out to celebrate your life. You might not be here tomorrow , but you do have this very minute.

    Also DO NOT WORRY! If it is something that you can change anyway you want it -then do that ! BUT if it is something that you cannot change =you would be wasting your energy and your time and your health because Worry is BAD for you! LOVE is GOOD for you! Surround yourself with people that you love and that love you. Do whatever you need to bring out that DEVA inside of you. You are special - there is not another one of you on this planet so "feel the love" !

    I have a friend that we have shared our friendship for over 30 years . At times in both of our lives - it was disasters. The way we survived was each other . I used to tell her that we needed a "SAVE THE WORLD Problems" meeting . That usually involved a nice cold lemonade and we would pull up chairs and sit down and watch our Chickens! Sound funny, doesn't it???? It is funny and I wanted you to laugh as you imagine two grown females watching chickens . We would pour out our hearts to each other - because when you get it all out there is something cleansing about that. We would watch the little chickens run around catching bugs or taking dirt baths and the "world worries" (from our worlds) would kind of drift away so we could return to do battle again in the future! And it was a LOT cheaper than a therapist. LOL

  7. *hugs* and hope things improve for you real soon!

  8. Hope you are feeling a little better!!

  9. :( I'm sorry. Hope your day got better. :)

  10. I don't know what the problems are and I can't give you answers, but i can wish you the best, and I do. Take care of yourself
    have to do that.

  11. OH sweet pea, what's wrong? DO you want to come over to my house? I can come and pick you up. Its still Saturday night here, so we can get our drink on, then when you wake up tomorrow for the second time, you'll just be hung over and not give a shit about the other stuff.

    Ok, seriously, I hope you are ok my friend!!!

  12. Good on you for turning OFF your phone.

    One day they will release how lucky they have been to have you as their Mum xxx

  13. At the end of the day, hon, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves. Don't let them get you down, just shut them out and let them make their own decisions. They are adults and if they choose to give their father another chance it's their right to do so, so long as he leaves you alone.

    And if doing so he turns them against you, then they are shallow and not worth the trouble of your pain.

    Be strong in yourself and know you did the best you could with what you had, and focus on the positives.

    It will all work out in the end. You'll see.

  14. Bugger. I don't think there is anything worse than bearing the weight of other's peoples crap.

    You are their mother, that is one thing you always will be......but I seemed to have missed the part where you signed up to be the offical crap taker???

    Hope things improve.....rapidly!!!


  15. I agree with "webbsway"...just because they are blood/family doesn't mean you have to like them. Sometimes we have to realise we have to break away from these people and choose to be around people who are good to be around. Life is far too short to let this sort of crap make you miserable all the time. And believe me I know how damn miserable life can be losing my eldest child, father, grandfather and good friend who also happened to be my MIL to death. Remove these nasty people from your life and live on in peace...hugs Khris

  16. I am not a "Pepsi" reader so don't know exactly what is going on but it does make me feel for you when your family give you a hard time over something.

    I get annoyed at my parents (who doesn't) but would never abuse them or give them a hard time & I certainly would not accuse them of being bad parents - because they most certainly are not!!

    Make sure you are calm & collected & proof read the letter before sending it - don't do it in anger.

    I hope you manage to have a nice relaxing, non stressful Sunday evening.

  17. Arh Family
    Can't live with them, can't kill them.

    Send the letter when youre ready and give them both barrels and then maybe they may pull their heads in.

    Chin up buddy, you have got alot of friend right here if you need us to go in fighting for ya!!!


  18. Oh Chris, sorry to hear you are feeling soooo sad!!! I am sure you have been tne best Mum. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you :-)

  19. A favourite quote " A mother is she who can take the place of all others,but no-one can take her place"

    Chin up chick, you're the best mum your kids could have had....

  20. You know that you have done your best. Nobody is perfect - least of all the people who are criticising you. Take care of yourself Chris - and keep that phone turned off!

  21. Dear Chris, You sound so sad, but please don't be, I am sure you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Good on you for switching off your phone, they will see the errors of their ways eventually I am sure. Keep smiling xxx

  22. Chris, please don't ever doubt yourself as a good mother. From what I know from reading your blog, you have done an amazing job in such hard circumstances. And now you are bringing up 2 more gorgeous kids. You deserve a medal.

    I'm glad your day got better and you are feeling brighter. You sure have a lot of support here.

  23. It's true . . . insanity is heriditary, you get it from your kids. Glad things improved for you and have a great time at patchwork tomorrow. Lesleyxx

  24. Hey Chris

    We all can find fault with our parents and say what they did or did not do. But you know what - there comes a time when they need to stop using the old thing and assuming the victim role and be the adult and move on.

    I have done things as a parent that on reflection that probably was not the right thing - but you know what I tried my best with the knowledge and skill I had.

    I know that you did the same, and you are an excellent parent to the littles that you have now



  25. Big big hugs Chris.

    Hope you have a better day tomorrow and that 1, 2, 3 and 4 realise how blessed they are to have you and Stew.

  26. If your kids have been brought up right (and they definitely have), and they have good sense (and they do) they will figure it out eventually. I don't know the problem. If they are looking to build a relationship with their bio father, it natural, it's normal, it's curiosity...they will figure out if it's worth it or not...either way it will have no bearing on your status as their mom and I believe they will come to figure out his faults and issues on their own..perhaps it is all new to them at this point and believing the best is wishful thinking on their part. He can't fool them forever. Ignore their comments, forbid his name in your presence - call them brats under your breath and live happy....I hate cell phones, wish I could throw mine in the lake.


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