NOT SURE WHAT'S THE HAPS TODAY....

I think I will go into town to see the Father-in-law, make sure he's Ok, then come back to Manukau and do a few jobs....

I MUST DO SOME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!!!! I have done bugger all and it's starting to freak me out that I need to do it LIKE NOW!

Eating... has been shit over the past few days, just havn't been home or had time to be sensible really! And kinda stressed... hell that's the story of my life right now. SUCKS.

I'm really hoping for a nice day... I need it. ONWARD.....

ABOVE: the latest addition to our Christmas tree... can you tell what it is ? And why it's there??? Most of you guessed it... Teddy can't get at the tree now! Little shit quite liked the decorations.

Been shopping! Got a few things.... still a bit more to go yet...

THIS IS GOOD.... cos I love shopping! No secret there.

Also spent a few hours with my FIL... the nurse told me today that as his breathing has settled down again he could last up to and maybe MORE than 2 weeks yet! He is having NO food or water and he could last that long??? *shaking head*... could be a long two weeks!

Right, I'm off to get the kids and then take Teddy for a SEVERE haircut! He's covered in knots, the poor bugger. I have been cutting his hair, but the fluffy stuff inderneath is all matted. He's a HIGH MAINTENANCE dog is our Teddy!

End of Day: we no longer have a cat-dog. ... we have a rat-dog! He will proudly show you tomorrow how butt-ugly he looks now! nite nite.

BEDSIDE VIGIL....

UPDATES:
- Stew's Dad made it through the night, we were with him all night. We are knackered!
- I'm off to pick up the kids from my Aunt's house in a minute, then I'll get them off to school and go back to sit with my Father-In-Law for the day. He is not expected to last till the end of the week.
- I won the door knocker, so that's great.

Here's some photos from yesterday ....
Thames Cemetery and in the distance is Thames (it's about 75 minutes from Auckland) ... behind me is the older part of the cemetery where my paternal Grandparents are buried... I couldn't find them yesterday as it was raining and blowing a gale and my shoes were killing me feet on the slope, and it's been a good few years since I was there.

ABOVE AND BELOW: At the Firth of Thames, Griffin on a Pohutakawa Tree, or our 'Christmas Tree'.... as it is usually covered with gorgeous red flowers over summer.

ABOVE: A Pohutakawa (poe-who-ta-ca-wa) in flower... this tree is endemic to New Zealand, it flowers from November to early February. They are a protected tree, you are not allowed to cut them down.

Below is a wee video of Teddy's reaction to seeing the Christmas tree for the first time... you will need to turn the volume UP to hear him! The last thing he growled at was my weather vane.

That's me for now....

LATER........

It's later... and I've just got home from being with Stew's Dad, he's settled down a bit since last night, his breathing is a little easier (morphine helps)... but he's not eating or drinking anymore, so it's just a matter of time. It is heartbreaking to watch him, I find myself holding my breath in time with him sometimes.... and my shoulders ache from being so tense. I hope he passes soon for all our sakes.

I'm off to get Brylee and Griffin from school soon, I want them to have a 'normal' afternoon today, Griffin had a very bad night last night.... out of his routine, he didn't have his Teddy in bed with him... he does not react well to unexpected changes. So he's a bit over the top today.... like grumpy/naughty/crying. *sigh*

I've spent the afternoon 're-bonding' with me house! I've vacumed, washed floors, done the washing, sorted out dinner... bathed the friggin dog and watered the gardens! That will do I reckon!

End of Day: Stew's Dad has rallied a bit.... still not likely to last much longer, but I think we can relax for tonight anyway. nite nite.

CHRISTMAS TREE!

Normally I loathe putting up me Christmas Tree... but yesterday I did it... and enjoyed it too! It only took about 4 hours to get it out of the attic and get it all assembled! (yep, that was fun) *sneaky sarcasm slipping in there*

It's obviously something Stew hates to do too, cos I can't remember the last time that shit helped me do it!

Oh well, it's done now and it looks lovely.... and it's in the perfect place in our new home... thanks to Stew's suggestion! Got to give him credit for something I suppose.

ABOVE: Our Christmas Tree....

Now what else? Oh yes! I found a gorgeous Door Knocker on Trade Me on Sunday, I've put a bid in, keep your fingers crossed I get it, cos I TOTALLY LOVE it!

ABOVE: The Door Knocker ! Isn't it beautiful? Trade Me is the New Zealand equivalent of EBay etc. Bidding ends around 8.30 tonight.... so hope I get it.

Today: - kids to school

Go out to do a couple of things.. library, pick up wedding dress.... shop maybe? Who knows...

ONWARD....

Well I didn't do a bloody thing I had planned on today! Instead, I took the kids out of school and drove over to Thames to visit my girlfriend 'F' in hospital. She had her surgery yesterday, and would you believe she was sitting up in bed happy as a SandBoy? I was gobsmacked....

The surgeon had planned on doing laproscopic surgery to remove the tumor in her bowel, but had to chop her open, and she is smiling! OK me thinks it's got something to do with the MORPHINE she's got on board somehow!

Doesn't she look fantastic? I hope she's still smiling in a few days when they take away the drugs! Brylee and Griffin enjoyed the day so that was good. It rained most of the day, so we didn't bother going down to the beach.... not that it's that nice on the Firth of Thames.

We are home now and later on we shall go out to the airport to pick up Stew, he's been away in Wellington...

End of Day: Stew flew in safely, but we are now spending the night at his Dad's Resthome... his Dad is ready to leave us. The kids are with my family until tomorrow. That's all for now. nite nite.

HEE HEE, TIS GOOD TO BE BACK!

Ok, gunna make this quick (for now)... tis nice , ever so nice, to be home again! Stew is a happy man, I am a happy tartlet.

Kids are even nice.

TODAY:
- kids to school
- home to do some EXERCISE... yes, you bloody heard right!
- housework (DAMN it all.. has to be done eh?)

AND....Post some friggin photos! I will, just give me time to get outta bed, and so on!

(My girlfriend 'F' has her cancer surgery today, so fingers crossed it all goes well)......the drama never ends....
ONWARD.....

ABOVE AND BELOW: my most favourite Coffee Shop in Palmerston North....

ABOVE: Me and Sandra, I is da tanned one! lol !

ABOVE: Sandra and Chris D, we had a lovely lunch on the Saturday. It was just like old times.

ABOVE: Me and Chris D

ABOVE: Janene and Jorja, not long now till Janene has her Weight Loss Surgery! (one week in fact)

ABOVE AND BELOW: Market Day in The Square (centre of Palmerston North). I got a couple of darn good buys here. And the most awesome Christmas Present for Stew! SHIT I hope he likes it!

ABOVE AND BELOW: There was this Dude there selling things made out of driftwood.... they were pretty cool! The one above is a helicopter, and below is a turtle! I loved his boats best.

ABOVE: Me with Izzy and Toby at Anne's home.

ABOVE: Me with Izzy, she was being a twit, kept rolling over to get me to scratch her tummy! Stoooooopid dog! But I love her! She is such a happy wee girl out there with Toby on the farm... oh and of course I'm sure she loves Anne and Peter too! ha ha ha.

A quick wrap up of my day: all good, got lots done around the house, kids fed and into bed. My girlfriend 'F' came through her surgey well, no complicatons... on to the recovery! Hope to go and visit her in a few days.

End of Day: I'm tired and plan on an early bedtime for once! .....OH and I've flitted around some of your blogs, and marked 'as read' about 376 updates! Sorry if I missed you! Just can't get to them all. nite nite.

TIME TO GO HOME....

Being back in Palmerston North has been .... interesting. I don't think I've been gone long enough for it to feel like I'm a 'visitor'.... I have run into several people in the street who I know and it was just like old times, as if I was still living here.

I wonder how I will feel when I fly into Auckland tonight? I had a moment yesterday when I really really missed Brylee and Griffin... but it passed in ... oh about a nano-second! It has been lovely having a complete break from all the 'normalicy' of me life... but I will be happy to get home again.

I'm actually looking forward to getting our Christmas Tree up! I usually put it up just days before Christmas and take it down a day or so later! Mess, can't stand a mess! But this year I am really looking forward to getting it out and titivating the house with decorations.

It's been a shame I couldn't post photos while I've been down here... but I do have a few for tomorrow's post once I'm home. YAAA.. me blog has been looking decidedly WEIRD without me photos.
Right, I'm off to get on with me day...

No plans for today, just plan on spending time with my mate Chris D....

Chris D and I went to town.... I bought some music DVD's and movies so I can watch/listen to them while I am on the treadmill and exercycle once I get home.
Had lunch with Mike and Steve, then back to the house to spend the rest of my time with Chris D.

Chris D got a brand new computer last week.. she got it home and......HMMMMM ... it just won't go! So my son Steve popped in this afternoon and got it going... HOW? He turned on the POWER switch!!! Chris had not been able to find it obviously! She had turned on the screen OK, but that was all. No wonder it didn't 'work'...lol. She is now happily checking out her new computer. Awwwwwww. We gave her such a hard time over it! NICELY you understand! You gotta laugh sometimes.

Catching the 'plane in about 2 hours so I better bugger off and pack me bag....

I am home.. flight was good, read all the way, didn't even close me eyes on takeoff and landing..... Stew and the kids picked me up... and what was waiting for me when I got home:

Wine, magazines and roses.... Hmmmmmm.... wonder what HE wants???? ha ha ha. We all KNOW I'm a two glass wonder when it comes to wine! He MIGHT just get lucky!

End of Day: he assures me the wine was not to get me legs spread! Yeah Right !!!! NITE NITE.

A DAY TO GO OUT AND ABOUT

Today Chris D and I are going to Weight Watchers, then we will check out the Red Cross Market Day in the Square... I might be lucky enough to find a few Christmas Presents there.

We also plan on having lunch in town with a couple of other girlfriends all going well.

Our Weight Watcher Leader/ Girlfriend Sandra is hoping to join us too, but her Dad is very very ill in hospital right now .... *shaking me head*.... things go in three's eh? He is not expected to survive for long!

Anyway, I plan on having a lovely day today! And I'm going to try and make sure Chris D does too.... she needs to relax and just take a day for herself.... life goes on.
ONWARD....

A lovely day ! Chris and I spent the bulk of our day in town.... we walked around the Market Stalls and I scored an awesome Christmas present for Stew! Can't say what, cos the bugger reads this blog! Then we met up with a couple of girlfriends for lunch in our favourite Cafe'... it was just like old times and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Chris is constantly amazing me with how well she is coping with the loss of Dave.

Steve came around for dinner tonight... he worries me so much with his inability to keep a job, a flat, etc etc. It's a bloody wonder I am not totally GREY with worry. But, once I am home again I am going to try very hard to put him out of my mind a bit, cos I so don't like how it makes me feel worrying about him. The shit. WHO THE HELL WOULD HAVE KIDS, LET ALONE 6 + 2 ! *sigh*

End of Day: has been a neat day! Been very tired though, last night I went to bed kinda needing a piddle, but didn't 'go' cos I was already in bed and didn't want to get out! So I tossed and turned all night with the need to pee, so didn't get a good sleep at all. I AM A DORK. Tonight? Gunna go pee first! lol... Ya needed to know that eh? *snigger* nite nite.

GOODBYE DAVE....

Dave Davies..... 1938 - 2008...you were a loveable old bugger, I will miss you.

Today: well it's going to be full on with getting everything ready for Dave's funeral, then attending the funeral at 2pm.

I don't expect to be able to blog again till late tonight, if at all.

I hope you all have a lovely day. ....... ONWARD....

End of Day: well the funeral went off without a hitch, Chris D was a bloody trooper and made it through the day so well. Dave was brought home for a couple of hours before we went to the service... it was quite nice to know he was back in his home for a while. We all got to say 'Goodbye' in our own time, in our own way. I found the day emotionally tiring, but not bloody awful.

Spent the evening with Chris D, and Mike and Abby came around for dinner too. Kebabs.... oooo yum. .... nite nite.

GOTTA GO, GOTTA GO....

GOTTA GO.... BUY ME SOME DIET COKE!

Then... I plan on spending the day with Mike, maybe Steve too... and of course Chris D.

Need to get into town at lunchtime cos I have lunch plans with Anne (Girlfriend)...

Plans here are going smoothly, Chris D has a few 'jobs' to get done today, like photo boards and sorting out what music will be played during the service tomorrow, but really she is doing very well.

Thank you for all of the kind words ....

It is a really beautiful day here too, hopefully tomorrow will be the same. I plan on taking that walk by our old home sometime today too.... I reckon it will help me to let go of Palmy.... and really move forward.
It is so nice to be back though! I really didn't think I had missed the PLACE, but I have! Weird, when you consider how much I wanted to leave it!
Anyway, enough rambling for now, I need to make a start on the day.....

Out and about.... Chris is out getting stuff sorted, having her hair done.... I went out with Steve, Mike and Abby for lunch with Anne ... saw Izzy (she used to be our golden retriever)... she is looking fantastic! And so happy, it's so neat to know she is happy in her new home. It is a blistering hot day here... I'm feeling decidedly tired! Might just have a quiet afternoon.

Stew is holding the fort at home, all is OK there. His Dad is only just hanging on to life..... so sad.

End of Day: spent hours this afternoon/evening sticking photos on boards in readiness for tomorrow... back is now killing me! But I don't mind helping out, it's what I'm here for! Going to take a break now and just yak .... nite nite.

FLYING OFF TO PALMY...

TODAY:
- Kids to school
- pack bag
- Dress fitting...

Stew is home today... he's taken the next few days off so I can bugger off to Palmerston North and catch up with our sons, my girlfriends and spend some time with Chris D and attend her husband Dave's funeral I hope.

I am flying out this afternoon all going well. I plan on trying to blog while I'm away, but maybe just once a day!

Am taking me camera (of course!) but not sure if I will be able to post photos during my visit or maybe have to wait till I get home. We will see.

I'm undecided yet whether I will drive by our old home...... I kinda want to, and don't want to! Strange. Looking back is not always a good thing eh?

Anyway, I'm babbling.... ONWARD!

Hi Ya! Well I got to Palmy OK, lots of swear words on take-off and landing.... like "Shit shit shit"... I even hold my breath! So does not help!
Anyway, all is good here, spent the afternoon with my girlfreind, going over the funeral details etc. Visited my mate Dave at the Funeral Home, he is at peace ....

Tomorrow is shaping up to be a busy day for everyone... lots to finalise for the funeral, but it will all fall into place on the day, it always does. Hopefully Chris D can hold it together ... it is so hard on her.

End of Day: very happy to be here for Chris D, I wouldn't be anywhere else. nite nite.

STICK A NEEDLE IN ME, WHY DON'T YA?

Today:
- kids to school
- train trip to Middlemore hospital for me blood tests and visit with the Hematologists
- Weight Watchers meeting in Manukau

That's it for now!

Still in shock over how quickly my friend Dave passed away! He was diagnosed with Lung Cancer just before last Christmas, recently it spread to his bones.... I am kinda reeling! He had been doing so well up until just recently. I was so sure he would see this Christmas too. I am glad he is no longer suffering though, cancer is the most awful disease.
I am hoping that Chris D can get through this coming week a little easier by having me there with her. I reckon some FREAKIN BIG HUGS are coming her way.

ONWARD..... LYNDA: I take the train to Middlemore because it is quicker, I don't have to try and find parking there (which is notoriously difficult) and I like it!

1.45pm and finally home again. I feel like I've been out all day! Train trip/hospital visit went off without a hitch... injection was stingy today though.... hate that!
Then I went to Manukau Weight Watchers... quite liked the meeting, the leader was a stand in as the 'regular' lady was away sick. So will go there again and 'asses' her when she's back! It is really important to get on with the Leader and feel like you can 'work' with them.

That's it for now, going to go pack stuff for tomorrow's trip down the line....

It has been a stressful day, every time the phone rings I expect the other shoe to drop! One call was Stew, and I was so sure he was going to tell me his Dad had passed away.... but he didn't. PHEW! I know it will happen eventually, but please not this week!


I'm going to end the day with this lovely photo of Steve and his Grandfather....
End of Day: a day of lows, but I'm fine! nite nite.

SWIMMING TODAY?

YEAH WHY NOT .....I think I will!

So, today....
- Kids to school
- Go for a swim
- Home to do housework....

I am freakin pleased with myself too.... I was ever so good last night at the BBQ.... I really do think I have found me mo-jo again! It is a great feeling.

I am going to attend a Weight Watcher's Meeting in Manukau this week, on Tuesday... I need to find a meeting that I like, and while Sylvia Park was OK, only 1-3 ladies stayed for the meeting, and I am looking for a larger group, one where I have a chance of meeting a friend or two! That is how I meet and made so many really lovely friends down in Palmerston North. I know it will take a bit of time, but I have all the time in the world, I ain't going anywhere!
Later....

So, I nearly talked myself out of going swimming this morning... but I WENT, I loved it.... and now I have dripping wet hair and I don't care! Well I do actually, that's the bit about swimming I dislike... having to wash/dry me hair all the time. But, it's worth it. My arms are feeling it again now....

After lunch... I TOTALLY FADED.. and had a 2 hour nana nap!!!! DOH... still havn't done any housework!

Just picked up the kids (I drove)... and dang! I found this in the car:

We recieved this cute little parcel a couple of weeks ago!!!! And I left it in the car! Soooooo sorry Kristin! She sent it for Stew, the Champion FARTER in this house! So funny! Kristin is in Singapore..... We have been there... loved the place. So clean, so safe, some amazing SHOPS!!!! Very happy memories of our two weeks there visiting my brother, who lived there at the time.

I found a new 'pick me up' .... I put this lovely photo of our home on my computer as the 'Desktop Background'.... it cheers me up looking at it! I'm a sad git eh? lol

End of Day: I just got awful news... my girlfriend Chris D's husband Dave passed away this evening... I am so upset, I was so looking forward to seeing him again on Wednesday when I fly down there. FATE. Now I hope to still be there for his funeral and to support my friend. nite nite.

NICE DAY COMING.....

Stew is going to watch his rugby from 8.30 am - 10.30.... then he has to mow the lawns... ya know, do the MAN JOBS!

Me? Well I will do a bit of washing, vacuming, ya know, GIRL JOBS... ha ha ha.

After that I plan on lying in the sun for a while then...
all going well we are heading off to Hamilton to a friend's BBQ for dinner. That will be nice, Stew is very happy to be up here again and able to meet up with all his old mates from his school/flatting days, (one of the positives of our move).

I'm still feeling a bit stressed...
- Stew's Dad is lingering on and we are on tenderhooks waiting for the inevitable.
- my dear friend Chris D down in Palmerston North is stressed to the max as her husband is in the Hospice, and I'm worried about both of them.
- my girlfriend 'F' is facing cancer surgery on the 8th of December....
So I am feeling torn in 3.....

Oh did I tell ya all I am flying down to Palmerston North on Wednesday, staying with Chris D and seeing our two boys and me girlfriends???? THAT IS .... as long as my Father-in-Law does not pass away before then! BLOODY HELL!

So that's me at the moment.... and to top it all I am trying so hard to focus on my weight loss... not an easy thing to do with all the other stuff weighing me down..... but I will continue to try my best.

Well there it is, FINALLY out on the morning patio again, where it belongs (well there is nowhere else to put it really!).... now I will have to buy clearlite roofing stuff to cover the patio so it's not rained on too much and ruined! Very pleased with my effort.

I had the most yummy smoothie for breakfast today.... yogurt and frozen berries.... nice. Hope it keeps me full for ages.

When you fling open all the doors and windows in this house, it really it LOVELY! A nice breeze going through the house... and summer coming inside! LOVE THIS HOUSE.

End of Day: we have had a really really wonderful time in Hamilton this afternoon/evening, caught up with lots of our friends from years ago.... all Stew's old school buddies and their wives. Lots of laughs, just what we needed. Home very late for the little ones ... who have school in the morning! But it's not like we do it often! Hell, this is the first time I think! nite nite.

BUSY DAY AHEAD.. YAAAAA!

Firstly... this is an advert I got off the TV... it is new and I think it's priceless!

I hope you overseas buggers can understand what the boys are saying? It's so funny. Maybe not to Australians, but that's how it goes. lol

TODAY:

Expecting Daughter No 3 ... she's babysitting for us so we can go to Stew's Work Christmas lunch.... hope she gets here in time!

This will be one of those rare times we actually get to go out without the kids! I am so looking forward to it!

And I hope the food is not entirely evil. I want to have a nice lunch and not feel guilty about it!

TELECOM suck! I havn't had internet for hours and hours and when I asked Telecom I was told it was a National Outage... but lots of people still had it... just not me! Grrrrrr.... finally got some help from Lee Anne who got me back on line! THANK YOU sweetie!

Right, now that I am back to normal... better go get the day started properly!

4.30pm.... LOOOOONG hot day! Beautiful day, hot as hell but wonderful. Lunch was amazing! So much meat... it just kept on being served at the table... hot skewers of chicken, beef, lamb and pork, mussels, veges.... oh gawd I am stuffed! BUT in saying that, I do believe I did not pig out! I was pleasantly full and then stopped.

Stew and I stopped in to visit his Dad on the way to lunch and on the way home after lunch... both times he was asleep so we didn't wake him... he's recovering from severe bronchitis that nearly killed him... could still. He is 91 and very very poorly. Sad seeing him linger.

Kelly bought our granddaughter Rena with her today... baby just cried and screamed at us. WE need to see more of her! Grandbabies are supposed to smile and coo.... not get all upset!

NO PHOTOS! I forgot to take the camera into town with me ... shame cos it was beautiful on the quay.... lots of boats ....I love boats!

End of Day: Stew is dishing up ICE CREAM to the kids for dinner! I am drooling... but am determined NOT to have any. I am in control.... I am in control..... etc etc.... lol. nite nite.

IN CONTROL... AND LOVING IT!

TODAY:

I have to go to Sylvia Park to pick up toys on layby.... without the kids in tow of course.
And we need groceries.... lots of HEALTHY shit for Stew and I to eat... we are both hellbent and determined to get some weight off and keep it off.

Stew's doctor told him yesterday that the only way to lose weight was to EAT LESS.... not exercise like crazy.... cos at some stage you are not going to be able to exercise like a fiend and then what happens? Ya gain weight.... DERRRRR.... that is exactly what happened when I stopped exercising like a fiend!

So we are going to (as a team) do what we KNOW works.... eat well. Eat less. Not eat crap. Do exercise that is SUSTAINABLE in the long term.
With that in mind I am committing myself to going swimming twice a week for now.... that is all. Well, except for walking to and from school twice a day, and doing the housework. Small steps.

I am in control.....

2.30 pm and so far so good! I have done all the shopping, put it away even... and now I'm off to get the kids from school.

Stayed on track with da food all day! Was starving while doing the grocery shopping but DID NOT cave in and buy a single evil thing! *sigh*... 'tis hard being GOOD. But worth it. I am going to drop 7 kilos by the time my daughter gets married, YOU BLOODY WATCH ME!

End of Day: couldn't 'sign off' as normal cos the net was down. nite nite!

THURSDAY.... original eh?

TODAY:

Kids to school

Me to Aqua Jogging.... and it better be GOOD... or I am going to be pissed off.

THAT IS ALL.

Well OK, it's bound not to be all...... cos even when I try not to blog it just friggin well happens! It's a bloody addiction.
later.... ya poor buggers.

I went to the pool 45 minutes early and swam laps... slowly... then a few ladies arrived and the instructor and we did 45 mins of aqua jogging... it was really lovely to be in the water again... I could have stayed there all day! When I got out...OH MY GOD! I felt like a ten tonne elephant! My arm and legs felt like they were HUGE and heavy!

Anyway... got home, had a sauna, then a shower and now... I'm gunna go lie in the sun! Feeling very tired!

I'm hanging out the washing... and like my arms are saying "What the hell did you do to us this morning?"...they are sore! Like.... really sore. So, I did good!

I don't care how much they hurt cos it means I worked them.... and I feel great!

I feel like I am taking control of myself again... I can feel how it has 'upped' my mood just by DOING something! AND I didn't pig out at lunchtime either! AND I am not going to pig out at dinner either. Stew is buying some ice cream on his way home tonight... FOR THE KIDS. We have decided to just have a smoothie made with yogurt and fruit. GO US.

Picture me here, half NAKED.... blissful spot. The only way anyone can see me is with binoculars from a plane!

End of Day: Stew came home with 3 different types of yummy icecream for the kids... god it looks so ..... mouthwatering delectible! My mouth was watering for ages and ages.. and ... I HAD NONE. Rather proud of that. I kept saying to myself "I am in control"..... PHEW it worked! nite nite.

STILL THINKING......

You think of all the different things in one's life that you are not happy about and are making you so unhappy... but underneath all that is (in my case) one BIG thing that is making me MISERABLE... and that is...

and it doesn't take a Rocket Scientist to work it out.....

.... ......
............MY WEIGHT.

If I could get back into the right frame of mind to lose some weight and feel good about myself again, I am sure everything else that has been getting me down will become more 'manageable' ...

OK ... I know I have a wonderful husband, family, home... bla bla bla... but you can be living in a bloody castle with pots of money and still be MISERABLE.

I will not apologise for still feeling miserable.... cos it is my life... most of you have no idea what my life has been like up till now or in the past... that can and does affect how I feel about 'stuff' in the here and now.
I had a crap first marriage, I walked out with 4 very young children....
Stew and I have struggled almost all of our marriage to keep our heads above water financially....
I have lost both my brothers in seperate car accidents, my Dad drowned, my Mum had to suffer through cancer and now lives overseas, as does my one and only sister.... so sometimes I feel very alone, even though I have a loving husband and 6 + 2 wonderful kids!

For better or worse we are here now, there is NO going back... and I am sure once I get a handle on my own miserable self again all will become better... for all of us here in Diet Coke Rocks home.

So Yeah.... I am still thinking...... and I am NOT looking for sympathy either... I really don't want it.. I don't need it.... I just wanted to explain where I am coming from.

HOW COME??? You don't see anyone but family for literally weeks on end, and today? I get not one, but THREE visitors?
Firstly, Griffin and I were supposed to go to see a Child Psychotherapist this morning, but she came here instead, then my Aunt turned up.... and now I am getting a visit from Sandi Bee! Talk about nice! I have been yakking all morning... I like yakking!

So, it's been a busy day so far.... and obviously, I love to be busy.

AND... I have found out that the local pool has an Aqua Jogging class at 10 am on a Thursday.... so guess where I will be tomorrow morning? yaaaaa! Chubby bum and all.

JOANNE: Yes! I wonder all the time "why do people read my blog".... I JUST DON'T GET IT! Surely you don't want or need to know what I bought at the mall, how crabby I feel today, what I plan to do tomorrow!!!! *shaking my head*.......but then, I read others blogs and love them.... so maybe we are all just nosey tarts! ha ha ha.

4pm: and I'm stressing.... I have not posted a photo today! And let me tell you all... this is one of the most stupid things that nags at me every day! WHAT CAN I PUT ON THE BLOG TODAY (as in a photo?)... and I stress about it! DERRRR.... but no more! If I don't have something really INTERESTING to photograph, then you buggers simply don't get one! One less thing to stress about... so there!

I've had the lovely Sandie out here for the afternoon, she is so nice to come visit me after my 'pity party of one'! lol

End of Day: BUGGER DAMN AND BLAST... was watching Flashpoint on the telly and forgot to check my bid on Trademe ... and missed out on the bloody door knocker I wanted by $1 ! NOT HAPPY JAN. nite nite.

...........

..................hmmmm. I have always worked in the Positive Motivation mode, but need to shift to Intrinsic Motivation.... only then will things fall into place.
nite nite.

MOVING TO AUCKLAND....

Was something I wanted for ages.... getting here took ages....and now?

The fantastic job Stew got up here... has changed.... and he is very unhappy.
My expectations of how 'neat' it would be here have fizzled out ....

It is not where you live that makes you happy, it's who you live with, who you see all the time... like your friends.... and guess what?

I'm UNHAPPY, Stew's UNHAPPY.... I wish I had not persuaded Stew to apply for this job... I have stuffed everything up for us.

I sit in this lovely house every day, lonely and wishing I was back with my sons and friends in Palmerston North!
I am comfort eating like there is no tomorrow, and I'm petrified I am going to gain back every single kilo I ever lost. I am out of control ....

Shopping is not doing it for me! Being on your own sucks day in day out. I go out to the malls just to say "hello" to someone! It doesn't matter that it's a girl serving over the counter in a shop even!

I know I need to join some group/gym/hobby group/ something! I tried talking to lots of young mums at the school, you know, strike up a conversation in the 'hope' of befriending SOMEONE... but I've given up! No one said 'boo' most of the time. Now I wait outside the gates for the kids.... what is the point in talking to people who don't want to know me?

Sorry for sounding so down, but in all truth I have been just pretending to be happy for weeks.....and trying to sound happy on my blog. I'm not. I'm not lying any more. I am thinking of taking a break from blogging for a while.... what is the point of blogging when I am miserable and have nothing to say anymore?

BYE FOR NOW.... I will no doubt be back at some stage. Just don't know when. I will continue to visit your blogs when I can drag myself away from the pantry.

CHOICES, CHOICES.... not that many really.

Thank you to everyone who offered 'knocker' ideas! I have found two on Trademe that are possibilities:

ABOVE: this one is kinda evil looking, yet I like it....

and this one is more traditional.... and 'nice'.... I'm trying to make up my mind! This one reminds me of Griffin a bit, as his name is taken from the mystical creature "The Griffin" which is a lion with an eagle's head and wings.

I think I also found the 'Nautical Shop' that we were looking for on saturday... it's in downtown Auckland now.... might go there next weekend.

TODAY:

Kids to school, and I can assure you I am so ready for that! They have been diabolical this weekend! If I thought I could get away with it I would have taped their darn mouths shut! *sigh*

What else? Just enjoy the quiet ..... and pop down to the library to renew a book or two that I havn't quite finished yet.

later.....

It just became easier to make up my mind.. I text'd the owner of the dragon one... his one is painted aluminiun... so that's a 'No'! So it looks like I will be going for the eagle one... cos it's solid brass. I have checked out the Nautical shop online, and they do not have any door knockers.... and really I didn't want anything like a ship's wheel... too 'ordinary' for me.

It's raining and windy, so I just drove the kids to school.... now I have a mountain of washing to fold... think I will do all the linen and towels and leave the clothes for Stew!

Have you ever picked up a book, started reading it, and then could not put it down? That's me today.... been reading all day! It is such foul weather outside .... what better way to spend the day!

The book? A crime novel by Mary Higgins Clark.... I have read about 6 of hers so far... and I'm going to read everything she has written.... she's a fantastic author.

IT'S SUNDAY, NO PLANS...

I'm sorry to say I'm still in a crabby mood.... had a tiff with Stew yesterday, it's still not resolved.

Should never go to bed cross with one's man.... but I did.

I ate lots of shortbread yesterday afternoon... just shoved it in me gob... didn't help.

later... and I hope I feel better and am NICE to read!

Conflict resolution: well I'm still lying in bed.... Stew has been up for ages watching rugby... and I don't want to get up and have to try and resolve our differences.

WE have has so few real arguments during our 20+ years marriage that we really don't know how to handle them when we do!

Yesterday's problem was over something quite trivial, but Stew and I handled it badly... I stormed out of the house and stayed away for hours, he just ignored me when I got back, so I did the same thing! So silly really!

Yet... here I am still in bed..... but I suppose about to get up and try to sort it out. I hate being off side with him.

*sigh*... all is kinda well again..... we have talked and cleared the air... unfortunately our small daughter is in...

now..... will serve her right for lying to both of us... and telling a different story to both of us, hence the ensuing conflict between us. BLOODY KIDS....

STUFFING one's face never helps, we all know this!

Stew is cooking dinner... I am watching.... and quite happy about that!

End of Day: started out REALLY awful, going to end up rather well! I finally got the sealant on the mosaic table... 24 hrs from now it can finally go onto the morning patio and STAY THERE...outta my family room at last! That's it for today, nite nite.